[00:00:00]
Dr. Mari: Today we are going to talk about a topic that's very near and dear to my heart, [00:00:05] and that's Father's Day grief. Honestly, tenderly, [00:00:10] and with the research to remind you that what you experienced has a [00:00:15] name, and it has been studied, and you are not alone in this. And we're going to [00:00:20] talk about something else too, something that might feel very far [00:00:25] away right now, but that science tells us is already quietly [00:00:30] beginning inside of you. So let's begin
I want to start with something simple. [00:00:35] I want to tell you that you are allowed to grieve on Father's Day. [00:00:40] You're allowed to grieve loudly with tears and old [00:00:45] voicemails you still can't bring yourself to delete. You're allowed to grieve with [00:00:50] songs that undo you in the middle of an ordinary [00:00:55] moment
You're allowed to feel anger. You're allowed to feel [00:01:00] numbness. You're allowed to feel the strange, confusing guilt that comes with [00:01:05] laughing at something when you also feel this. [00:01:10] Because joy and grief can absolutely live in the same [00:01:15] afternoon and you are allowed in some years to [00:01:20] feel something that almost
resembles okay, [00:01:25] and to not feel guilty about that either. All of it is [00:01:30] grief, all of it is valid, and none of it means you love [00:01:35] your father or him any less
I want to share with you [00:01:40] my own personal experience about Father's Day and grieving during Father's Day, because [00:01:45] in 2018, I lost my father to cancer. I was [00:01:50] there by his bedside when he took his last breath, and I was very close to my [00:01:55] father, so that was a very difficult experience for me.
and in that same [00:02:00] year, on October 25th, I lost my husband. So [00:02:05] Father's Day for me is a very difficult, holiday [00:02:10] to still experience even eight years later. The holiday itself doesn't deplete me [00:02:15] like it used to, but it still carries a lot of weight, and it carries weight [00:02:20] even before the actual day.
This is what clinicians and researchers [00:02:25] call anniversary reactions. a comprehensive review published in [00:02:30] 2025 confirmed that anniversaries Holidays and milestone dates
[00:02:35] reliably bring grief to the surface. sometimes years and even [00:02:40] decades after a loss, this still can occur. Researchers describe these [00:02:45] as grief triggers, so external cues that reconnect us to the person we [00:02:50] lost, and to the full weight of that loss.
this is not a sign that [00:02:55] something is wrong with you. It is not a sign that you haven't learned to [00:03:00] integrate your loss into life, or that you're going backward somehow, or [00:03:05] that you should be further along by now in your own journey. So this is just [00:03:10] simply evidence that love doesn't have an expiration date.
[00:03:15] even after decades later, we can still feel that ache, that pain,
now, [00:03:20] I want to name something today, and it's a concept that I think will give you [00:03:25] language to an experience that many of you have been [00:03:30] carrying without a word for it.
It is called disenfranchised grief, and [00:03:35] it is a term that was first used by a grief researcher, uh, [00:03:40] named Dr. Kenneth Doka, and it refers to grief that is [00:03:45] not openly acknowledged publicly, mourned, or socially [00:03:50] supported. so maybe you lost a stepfather, a man who raised you, who was your [00:03:55] dad in every way that counts, but the legal [00:04:00] paperwork doesn't reflect that
Maybe you lost the father of your children, [00:04:05] And your grief gets quietly overshadowed by your role of caring for your [00:04:10] children and for carrying their grief.
Maybe the relationship was complicated [00:04:15] between you and your loved one, and maybe you are grieving not just the man, but the [00:04:20] relationship you always hoped you would one day have with him. and now that [00:04:25] hope is gone, too. So that is real grief, a very profound type of grief, [00:04:30] and it belongs here just as much as any other.
I want to shift [00:04:35] gears and talk a little bit about post-traumatic growth, because if you are new to growth [00:04:40] after loss, let me introduce this idea. Dr. Tedeschi and Dr. Calhoun [00:04:45] identified five distinct areas where this growth tends to appear
[00:04:50] The first is a deeper appreciation of life. when we are in [00:04:55] the rawness of grief, it's sometimes very difficult to even think a [00:05:00] possibility of having any appreciation for life. But as [00:05:05] research suggests that a new ability to notice the ordinary, to [00:05:10] find meaning in small moments that used to pass by without being [00:05:15] seen are now witnessed.
So the second one is new [00:05:20] possibilities, and this is about discovering new paths and purposes or [00:05:25] parts of yourself that you hadn't previously considered. This often [00:05:30] happens because the loss has opened this raw door that you [00:05:35] didn't know you had or that you would even look for.
the third [00:05:40] domain of PTG is personal strength, and this is the recognition [00:05:45] that you have survived something genuinely [00:05:50] difficult, and the fourth domain of PTG is relating [00:05:55] to others, and this is having a more deepened connection and compassion for others. It's a [00:06:00] new capacity that you're able to hold space for other people's pain because [00:06:05] you have lived your own pain. the fifth domain is spiritual [00:06:10] and existential growth. And this is shifts in your beliefs and what you stand for and [00:06:15] why you are here. It's when you start asking those existential questions.
Now here is what [00:06:20] I want you to hear specifically about losing a father, about losing a parent. [00:06:25] A study published in the Journal of Death and Dying
followed bereaved adults [00:06:30] after the death of a parent and found that levels of [00:06:35] post-traumatic growth were high across this particular group. So the two [00:06:40] prominent areas of post-traumatic growth were, personal strength. So [00:06:45] that's an, again, an increase in confidence and self-reliance, one's ability [00:06:50] to face adversity.
the second one was appreciation of life, a [00:06:55] heightened awareness of value
of everyday existence. A [00:07:00] study published earlier this year confirmed these findings in [00:07:05] these young adults who had lost their parent to cancer. So post-traumatic growth [00:07:10] appeared across all five domains, and those who experienced greater [00:07:15] growth also reported higher life satisfaction, so [00:07:20] a stronger sense of meaning and purpose
and better [00:07:25] psychological wellbeing overall
The research is very clear on this. [00:07:30] Growth and grief are not opposites. It does not arrive [00:07:35] instead of grief. It grows alongside it slowly, [00:07:40] quietly, sometimes invisible, while you are still in the hardest parts. [00:07:45] many fathers, many sons, many men who lost the very person who was [00:07:50] supposed to model for them what strength looks like, they [00:07:55] grieve through doing. So through staying busy, through quietly [00:08:00] absorbing something enormous and never once being asked [00:08:05] how they are.
Not because they aren't hurting, but because [00:08:10] for generations men have been
handed a language of [00:08:15] strength that left no room for vulnerability, no grammar [00:08:20] for grief. And if you are a man navigating the [00:08:25] loss of your father and grief for you looks like [00:08:30] silence or work or making sure everyone else is okay
[00:08:35] I just want you to know that you are not doing it wrong. Your grief is [00:08:40] real, your love is real, and growth is [00:08:45] entirely and completely possible for you too. I want to offer [00:08:50] you three things to carry into this Father's Day. you can take what [00:08:55] fits and you can leave what doesn't. So grief [00:09:00] researchers have found that the ability to name and [00:09:05] identify
The specific emotion you're feeling, rather than sitting [00:09:10] inside a broad unnamed fog of sadness, is linked to [00:09:15] healthier outcomes in bereavement. There is a real difference between [00:09:20] saying "I'm having a hard day" or, " What I'm feeling is now longing."
[00:09:25] Naming the emotion doesn't fix it, but it does make it
[00:09:30] It makes it something you can look at rather than something quietly [00:09:35] that you from the inside out
So on Father's [00:09:40] Day, when the feeling comes, and it probably will because it [00:09:45] often does, instead of trying to push through it this Father's [00:09:50] Day or, you know, you try to manage it away, try getting close [00:09:55] to it.
I want you to go ahead and think about what is it exactly. I want you to [00:10:00] name it. Say it out loud or write it down. You don't need to [00:10:05] do anything with it after that. You just need to let it be seen, [00:10:10] and first by yourself.
The second invitation is [00:10:15] to create a small intentional ritual of connection. [00:10:20] Continuing bond theory tells us that our relationship with [00:10:25] someone
who has died does not simply end when their physical body dies. [00:10:30] It actually transforms. We carry them forward. We remain [00:10:35] in relationship with them in a new way and in a different form. [00:10:40] This shifts something about how we can approach a day like Father's Day [00:10:45] rather than a day that is defined entirely by [00:10:50] absence.
So it can also be a day to honor that continuing [00:10:55] presence that still exists in your heart.
So what would [00:11:00] that look like for you?
Maybe it is sitting at the table with his [00:11:05] recipe and letting that be enough. Maybe it is sitting [00:11:10] quietly with a photograph. And saying words out loud, [00:11:15] "I miss you. I love you, and I'm still here." " "
And [00:11:20] the third invitation is the gentle one, and it is this. [00:11:25] Just simply notice, acknowledge the day, acknowledge [00:11:30] your loved one. I want to remind you that Post-traumatic growth is not something you can [00:11:35] force. You cannot perform it. You cannot rush it, or even [00:11:40] manufacture it by thinking the right thoughts. And you're [00:11:45] absolutely not supposed to try. The timeline of growth [00:11:50] belongs to you alone and no one else
But on a day that is already [00:11:55] saturated with meaning and memory, it can be a [00:12:00] quietly powerful act to ask yourself gently, [00:12:05] without any pressure for an answer, just a few simple [00:12:10] questions
what has this loss revealed about me that I did not know was there? [00:12:15] What do I value differently now about time, about people, about what [00:12:20] actually matters to you now
Where have I surprised myself? You [00:12:25] don't need the answers today. You just need to ask [00:12:30] because those small, quiet questions planted, in the soil [00:12:35] of grief are how growth eventually finds its way through, and [00:12:40] you are already planning them just by being here, by listening to this podcast [00:12:45] episode.
there are tools and guided practices to help you learn to [00:12:50] integrate your loss into the fabric of your life, expanding your capacity to be able to [00:12:55] hold both your sorrow and your joy without being depleted.
So [00:13:00] inside the Growth After Loss membership we go deeper into the frameworks and the research [00:13:05] that I bring to you here on the podcast, but we do it with more space, more [00:13:10] structure, and more support around you. I built this membership because I [00:13:15] needed it many years ago, and I couldn't find it anywhere, so I created [00:13:20] it. If something in today's episode resonated with you, if [00:13:25] Father's Day is heavy this year and you are looking for a [00:13:30] space
that holds both the grief that you have and the growth you're wanting [00:13:35] to expand your capacity in, then I simply want to invite you to take a [00:13:40] look at our Growth After Loss membership
So I want you to go ahead and scan this QR code, [00:13:45] take a few minutes to explore, and see if it feels like a place [00:13:50] that might be for you.
Before you go, I want to leave you with something I hope you [00:13:55] carry past this episode and into the weeks ahead. The love you [00:14:00] feel this Father's Day, that ache, that missing, that particular kind of [00:14:05] grief that seems to know exactly where to find you every [00:14:10] June is not a wound that needs to be fixed
It is [00:14:15] not a flaw in your integration and adaptation process. It is not a [00:14:20] sign that you are broken or stuck or doing this wrong. [00:14:25] It is evidence of a relationship that was real and [00:14:30] irreplaceable. Evidence of love that shaped who you are and who you are still [00:14:35] becoming. And that you are someone who loves deeply enough to [00:14:40] still feel the shape of the space he left behind
And [00:14:45] here is what I want you to hold from the research we explored together today
[00:14:50] Post-traumatic growth does not come from the loss itself. It [00:14:55] comes from the struggle to make meaning from it, meaning [00:15:00] learning how to integrate your loss into the fabric of your life, who you [00:15:05] are because of it, and who you are still in the process of [00:15:10] becoming on the other side of it
You are not at the end of your [00:15:15] story. You are in the middle of one, and the fact that you are still [00:15:20] here today, that you pressed play, that you showed up for [00:15:25] yourself in this small and tender way tells me that you are [00:15:30] already doing the work. Even when it doesn't feel that way, even on a hard [00:15:35] Sunday in June. So I want to remind you that your loss matters. Your [00:15:40] father, your spouse, that special man in your life who's no longer physically [00:15:45] here matters.
Your pain for them matters. Your love for them [00:15:50] matters, and so does your wellbeing
Let Father's Day be exactly what it needs to be for [00:15:55] you.
And know that somewhere in this community, someone [00:16:00] else is listening to the same episode carrying something similar, [00:16:05] and you are not alone in any of it. thank you for [00:16:10] spending part of your day with me here on episode 11 of the Growth [00:16:15] After Loss podcast If this episode helped you today, please [00:16:20] share it with someone who might need it this week. Send it to a friend who's already, [00:16:25] dreading Father's Day. And also please
take care of yourself
[00:16:30] [00:16:35]