I'm fine, Mom. Don't worry about me." That's what your child has been telling you since the loss of your loved one, and a part of you might feel a little bit relieved, maybe even grateful to hear these words. Maybe they're handling it better than you are right now
But I want to gently offer you something to consider because that fine, it might not be strength. It might be protection, protection for you. And there is a well-documented pattern that researchers call emotional parentification. in this foundational work, Lost Childhoods, specifically by Dr. Gregory Jurkovich, explains that when a child senses a parent is struggling, something shifts in their mind, and this child now has this need to step up and take care of you instead of being taken care of Now, they have decided without any words that it is their job to regulate your emotional needs and to help keep the stability and peace in the home.
And for a child, for a teen, or even a younger child, it can be hard to spot because it looks like they're doing so well. But here's how it actually shows up. They check in on you more than you check on them. They can also stop bringing up the person who died. They don't bring up dad or mom or sister or brother anymore.
They might get praised a little too often for being so grown up and so brave, like they're handling it so well, and they never, ever let you see them cry. That bravery is not resilience. That bravery is a child carrying something so incredibly heavy inside of them. So here is one thing you can try this week to help with this.
I want you to go ahead and try looking at your child in their eyes and saying, " In our house, you do not have to be brave for me. I can hold your feelings, and you don't have to hold mine. It is okay to miss them, to miss dad, to miss mom, and it is okay to talk about them." You do not need the perfect words.
All you need is your child to know there is room for their grief next to yours. So teaching your child that you can hold their grief even while you are still carrying your own is exactly the work that we do together in the Resilient Parenting for Bereaved Families program, and our next cohort starts August 15th.
You can learn more about these details at growthafterloss.com.
I'm fine, Mom. I'm fine, Mom. I am fine, Mom
Emotional parentification Quite the mouthful. That's a big word. That's a big word.