The Five Pillars of Growth After Loss™

What it is:

Your brain and body are spending a huge amount of energy learning to live in a world without your person. It is easy to end up depleted. When you tend to the person behind the grief, you can begin to build back your capacity and stop running on empty.

Preservation protects the basics that keep you going: sleep, food, movement, time outside. It also covers your non-negotiables, the limits and small rituals that protect you when grief takes more than you have. This pillar focuses on caring for you, especially when your own needs have been set aside while caring for others.

You might start here if:

• ✓ Sleep and meals are the first things to go when you have a lot on your plate
• ✓ You say yes to everything or try to meet everyone's expectations, then have nothing left
• ✓ You feel unsettled and aren’t sure what you need
• ✓ You’re not sure what would help you feel supported on birthdays, anniversaries, or other meaningful days

What it is:

It's easy to assume that there's one right way to cope. But people are different. Drawing on research into temperament and brain chemistry, Dr. Mari helps you understand your own patterns to know your needs better. When your practices are more aligned with your preferences, patterns, and circumstances they're easier to keep, and can be more effective.

Regulation is about finding what helps you feel a little more steady when a day or moment becomes overwhelming. You can explore different ways to pause, take a break, or find comfort—and choose what works for you.

You might start here if:

• ✓ Other people’s suggestions haven’t felt right for you
• ✓ A difficult moment makes it hard to get back to your day
• ✓ You feel guilty that you grieve differently than others in your family
• ✓ Your body feels on high alert, even when nothing is happening

What it is:

Grief often comes with a question of what matters now. An anchor gives you something to lean on, whether that's faith, spirituality, science, or the values your person taught you.

Anchoring is about finding steady ground: noticing where your energy is leaking, naming what still matters, and keeping a healthy bond with the person you lost.

Research on continuing bonds suggests that staying connected to someone who has died can bring comfort, distress, or both. This pillar helps you explore what feels supportive—including ways to carry their love forward that fit your life, without expectations about how you should remember or stay connected.

You might start here if:

• ✓ Certain people, tasks, or commitments take more energy than you have to give
• ✓ You’re questioning beliefs or struggling to find something you can lean on
• ✓ You’re unsure what matters to you now or what gives your days meaning
• ✓ You’d like to explore meaningful ways to carry your loved one’s love and values into everyday life

What it is:

After loss, it's easy to lose your voice. Other people decide how the holidays will go, what you should feel, and how fast you should be "okay." When others around you are grieving, too, your needs can get lost. Agency is how you get your voice back.

This Pillar is about learning to advocate for yourself, relearning how to live life with this experience, and taking better care of your needs in the world. Then, slowly, you can discover who you're going to be now, with this loss as a part of your story.

You might start here if:

• ✓ Other people’s expectations leave little room for what you need
• ✓ You agree to things you don’t want or have the energy for
• ✓ You make room for everyone else’s needs but struggle to express your own
• ✓ You’re figuring out who you are now and what you want for yourself

What it is:

Loss can quietly isolate you. Friends stop asking. People change the subject when you mention your person. Traditional therapies and grief supports don't often offer a plan for lifelong integration.

Connection rebuilds the relationships that help you carry loss: with yourself, with the people closest to you, and with others who've lived it too. For parents and partners, it includes how to talk with your spouse and your children about the person who died.

You might start here if:

• ✓ People ask how you’re doing less often, and you’re unsure how to let them know what you need
• ✓ You want to talk about your loved one—with family, friends, or children—but struggle to find the words
• ✓ You miss feeling understood, even when you’re with other people
• ✓ The support you once had has faded, and you’d like people you can turn to now