[00:00:00] Dr. Mari: Hello my friend. Welcome to another episode of the Growth After Loss podcast. I'm Dr. Mari Marquez, and we have traveled a significant distance together over these last two episodes. We began among the cherry blossoms in Washington DC talking about why continuing bonds are helpful in our trajectory after the loss of our loved one.
[00:00:24] Dr. Mari: Then in our last episode, we looked at the when and the where we can actually [00:00:30] start implementing continuing bonds in our lives. we learned to create intentional containers for our continuing bonds so that staying connected with our loved ones doesn't have to feel chaotic or frightening, but more so purposeful. Today we are going to talk about integration, the ongoing, imperfect, genuinely brave practice of weaving your loss into the very fabric of who you are [00:01:00] becoming after a loss. And not moving on from the people we love but learning how to carry them forward as a source of internal strength. That's what we're gonna focus on here today. So in this episode we will be focusing on the how. How can you start integrating continuing bonds with your loved one in your own life and in your own way? Let's get started.
[00:01:27] Dr. Mari: Okay, let's get into the [00:01:30] why behind the how, because I know for many of us, if you are like me, you want to have a better understanding of what's actually happening. Not just be handed a practice and told to trust it, but you want to have a better understanding. The why behind the how. So here's what the research says, this process of moving between our pain and our new life, our present life [00:02:00] is supported by something called the dual process Model of Grief, which was developed by researchers, Margaret Strobe and Henk Shutt, and what they found through years of empirical research and work is that navigating loss isn't a linear path through stages, as you and I have discussed in a previous podcast episode, but it's more so a process of oscillation.
[00:02:29] Dr. Mari: We move [00:02:30] between two orientations. The first is called loss orientation. That's where we feel the ache, where we feel that pain of not having our loved one and where we look at old photos and where the yearning in our lives takes place. That yearning for missing our loved one. The second they call restoration orientation.
[00:02:53] Dr. Mari: Now that's where you learn new skills, how to manage the logistics of your life a little differently. [00:03:00] And how to begin to find out who you are now on the other side of this with this new experience in your life. So I want to talk a little bit about healthy coping because they found that healthy coping is the movement between both orientations, the movement between both, not staying in one, not running away from our pain, Integrating both the loss and the restoration in our [00:03:30] life. So there's this piece that really hit me when I first read it, and strobe and shut actually built in the concept of dosage. Have you ever heard of dosing our grief?
[00:03:43] Dr. Mari: I know if you've been following my work, I've talked about this and this is that we actually need rest from grieving because taking a breath from the hard work of loss is not avoidance. It's literally part of adaptive coping. [00:04:00] Now, if you do it for a very long time, then at that point it might convert into avoidance, but it is important for us to dose our grief to be able to do adaptive coping.
[00:04:12] Dr. Mari: Now, if you've been meeting that permission to allow yourself to dose your grief. Then let me be the one, to give you that permission slip right now that you can go ahead and take time from it. You need it for adaptive coping.
[00:04:29] Dr. Mari: [00:04:30] Now I want to mention Dr. Robert Neimeyer's work on narrative reconstruction, which adds another layer to this. He describes us as meaning-making beings, and when a loss shatters the entire story of our lives. We are living with having to face that task, that reality, and it's called rebuilding. We need to learn to rebuild our lives because that physical presence of [00:05:00] our loved one is no longer here, the way that we interact with them or how our lives change after they're gone it's a learning process to rebuild life after loss. And this is not about erasing the chapter that included our very loved one. This is not erasing or fully avoiding that chapter of loss, but rebuilding the whole story so we can learn to move forward with it, [00:05:30] with their legacy woven into our lives.
[00:05:33] Dr. Mari: Integration. So integration is actually one of my favorite things to talk about because it happens when we can tell our stories in a way that includes the loss that we've experienced and still has a next chapter. Our story still has. A next chapter. And I know sometimes that's really hard to comprehend or to fully, be able to digest [00:06:00] that.
[00:06:00] Dr. Mari: I know it did for me, especially in my earlier grief, but I want to tell you that it is possible. And there is neuroscience research to prove this. This is research from Dr. Mary Francis O'Connor, which she's a neuroscientist at the University of Arizona, which has spent decades studying what grief does to the brain, which is fascinating to me, and she reminds us that this is a physical task [00:06:30] for our brains. We are literally needing to rewire our mechanical system to map a world where our loved one is no longer physically here. And I know that may sound a little bit harsh, but I want to remind you that their influence remains a permanent part of your internal landscape.
[00:06:53] Dr. Mari: Just because we update our mechanical system, just because we learn to live life in a different way doesn't [00:07:00] mean that we forget about them. We bring them all along with new experiences. The way we update our mechanical system is through giving ourselves time and also through new experiences engaging in new things.
[00:07:14] Dr. Mari: So we're able to better adapt our system in a new kind of way while we bring our loved ones with us. So how do we bring it home? Let's talk about this. How do we actually practice [00:07:30] continuing bonds and not just understand it intellectually, but live it in our day to day, live it.
[00:07:37] Dr. Mari: This week, I want to share three practices with you today, and they are drawn from the very research that we've talked about today in this episode. None of them require you to have it all figured out because none of us do. but they do require for you to show up. Now, the first practice is called the value [00:08:00] audit, and it involves sitting quietly for five minutes with yourself, and that's all. We're doing here. We're sitting with ourselves.
[00:08:07] Dr. Mari: You can even set a timer for this, and then once you have that quietness, in those five minutes, I want you to ask yourself, what did my loved one care about most deeply? What did they stand for? Almost without trying. Maybe they were fiercely kind. Maybe they were [00:08:30] adventurous and said yes to things that scared them at times.
[00:08:34] Dr. Mari: Maybe they were loyal in a way that made everyone around them feel safe. After your five minutes. And you have done that reflection, the next step would be to write two or three of those down. I want you to write some of those values that your loved one embodied. Then I want you to ask yourself, how can I carry this into my life [00:09:00] this week or into this very day?
[00:09:03] Dr. Mari: This is what the research on continuing bonds you and I have been discussing in the last two episodes, and it is what research calls as an internalized bond, and it's one of the most consistently adaptive forms of connection we can maintain with our loved one. It's not an external ritual, but an internal compass. Their values living through your present [00:09:30] choices, that's a continuing bond in action.
[00:09:33] Dr. Mari: The second practice I want to share with you is called Micro Joys. So this comes directly from our episode nine, and I want to give it a name. So it can stick with you because when something good happens to you. I want you to make sure that you acknowledge this, that you embrace this.
[00:09:54] Dr. Mari: So a micro joy is when you experience a win, a milestone, a [00:10:00] moment of unexpected beauty, and you feel that familiar ache of wanting to tell your person your loved one, but you can't because they're not physically here. So you experience that pain and the bittersweetness of that moment. So one continuing bond practice that you can do is that you can say this out loud or in your mind, share this with your loved one.
[00:10:29] Dr. Mari: So the [00:10:30] way you do this is you can say to yourself, I am calling on your memory right now, and I want to share this with you. This very special moment, this milestone, this win and let me tell you, you are not pretending they are here with you, that they're literally physically standing there with you. You are holding two true things at once, their absence and their presence in your life. That's the bittersweet, [00:11:00] that's integration.
[00:11:01] Dr. Mari: All right, my friends. So let's go ahead and go on to practice number three. And the third practice is one close to my heart. And I want to share this with you because this is gentle steps for growing around grief. And it is a 90 day daily guide around exactly what we've been talking about today.
[00:11:22] Dr. Mari: It's a starting point that gives you one micro, small step for you to do that's specific, that's [00:11:30] grounded in research, that you can take a small action and practice it daily to start your integration process and your continuing bonds with your loved one.
[00:11:41] Dr. Mari: Now, this is nothing overwhelming. It is just one intentional step at a time. That's what's helpful. Not an overwhelming amount of information, little micro steps that we engage in in our lives that stack up. It's that compounding of fact. That can help us better [00:12:00] integrate this loss that we've experienced into the fabric of our lives.
[00:12:04] Dr. Mari: I will go ahead and put the link in the show notes for this podcast episode, and I want you to go ahead and share this with somebody you may know that can benefit from this, whether it's a friend, whether it's a family member, whether it's a coworker.
[00:12:18] Dr. Mari: You can go to growthafterloss.com and get your gentle steps for growing around grief because as we close this series, I want you to say something [00:12:30] simply and directly to you that I hope sinks in with you because it's so incredibly important, especially with so much information out there on the internet, is that growth after loss is not an event.
[00:12:43] Dr. Mari: Growth after a loss is not a moment when you wake up suddenly and you feel completely past it all where you don't feel any pain. Growth after loss is a gradual, intentional, ongoing process of adaptation over [00:13:00] time and it looks very different for us all walking through the messiness of experiencing loss.
[00:13:08] Dr. Mari: So I want to remind you that you are the expert of your own experience. I'm just here to provide the language information and the tools to support that integration in your own life. There is no right timeline for growth. There is no right way to carry your heart through this world after you have lost someone [00:13:30] so significant to you, someone that you love.
[00:13:34] Dr. Mari: What the research, including in my own study, tells us that the people who learn to navigate loss most fully are not the ones who let go or avoid their loss, but they are the ones who find a way to carry their loved ones forward. Into their values, into their choices, into the blank spaces on the map that they [00:14:00] are becoming.
[00:14:01] Dr. Mari: You are becoming someone different. You're expanding your capacity to hold both your sorrow and create joy in this very present moment, in this very present life. That's you. That's what you are doing right now by showing up today and being here and listening to this podcast. So I want to thank you from the bottom of my heart for allowing me to accompany you on this very [00:14:30] journey if this series has helped you feel even remotely a spec batter than I have done my job.
[00:14:38] Dr. Mari: And I hope that this content, this information, these tools, help you feel. Less alone because you're not alone, my friend. So many of us have gone through this, and I know sometimes we can feel that way when we're in grief, but I want to remind you that you are not alone. There are tools. There is [00:15:00] support that is right there for you. It's just a matter of you allow it to come in into your life.
[00:15:06] Dr. Mari: So, please subscribe to this podcast. Please leave a review and share it with someone you know who needs it. The person that needs this episode is probably someone you already know.
[00:15:20] Dr. Mari: So until next time, I hope you take a gentle micro step forward with you today because your loss matters, your [00:15:30] experience matters, and guess what? My friend. You matter too. Take care.
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