Dr. Mari: If you’ve ever faced the profound loss of a loved one, you might be familiar with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief...
If you’ve ever faced the profound loss of a loved one, you might be familiar with Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross’s Five Stages of Grief—a framework that has been instrumental in helping many people understand their emotional responses to loss. This model outlines five stages: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. However, it's crucial to recognize that grief is not a straightforward process. There is no specific stage or timeline for it. So today we will go over how it's best to think about the five stages as a descriptive framework rather than a prescriptive approach. Research supports the notion that grieving is a highly individual experience, influenced by factors such as personality, cultural background, and the nature of the loss itself. For instance, a study by Bonanno (2002) highlights that many individuals experience resilience in the face of loss, rather than following a specific set of stages. Additionally, the concept of complicated grief, as outlined by researchers like Paulstick (2011), suggests that some individuals may struggle with prolonged or intense periods of grief that differ significantly from the traditional stages. It’s common to feel a wide array of emotions—or to experience none at all during certain moments. Some might find themselves feeling anger or guilt, while others may feel a sense of numbness or confusion. Today, I want to take a compassionate look at the five stages of grief with you. My goal with this episode is to better equip you with more knowledge and understanding of these stages and the emotions that can accompany loss, and to remember that grief is not a linear process. This understanding can help you set realistic expectations for your feelings, help you validate your own individual experience, and hopefully open you up to a little bit more self-compassion with yourself. Welcome back to another episode of the Growth After Loss Podcast! I’m Dr. Mari, a personal growth educator after the loss. I’m so glad you’re here with me today, and I really appreciate you taking the time to join in this conversation. Because I want to talk about something that many of us, including myself in the past, often get wrong regarding the five stages of grief after experiencing the death of a loved one. You know, when I first heard about those stages years ago, I thought they were a roadmap I needed to follow that would guide me to a finished life where my grief would end. I would even ask myself, “Am I grieving the right way?” or “Why isn't my pain going away?” I can’t tell you that I felt incredibly confused in my grief about my grief. I don’t know if you can relate- but the truth is, is that grief isn’t a simple, linear process. It’s much more than that. It is like a winding road with ups and downs. One minute, you could be reminiscing about good times and smiling at memories, and the next, you can be caught off guard by a wave of sadness that can bring you to your knees. And it’s common to experience that push and pull of emotions. Now Grief can be such a heavy burden to carry and I am a true believer that we are not meant to do this alone. Because it can become very easy to be swallowed by your own pain of sorrow after the loss of someone you deeply love and can no longer have physical access too. It's a detachment that can impact us even at a neurological level. This is according to research by Doctor Mary Frances O'connor based at the University of Arizona. And I want to remind you today that grief is not a linear process—it is a complex and deeply personal experience. So let's talk about the five stages of grief developed by Dr. Elizabrth Kubler Ross. Again, the five stages are: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and Acceptancen. I want to preface this conversation by saying that this framework can be helpful for understanding the various emotions we may experience after the loss of a loved one—. However, it's important to remember that grief doesn't follow a strict path. I greatly admire the work that Dr. Elizabeth Kübler-Ross contributed regarding these stages. But I want you to think about this, what if Instead of viewing the five stages of grief as a fixed sequence, you consider these stages as a descriptive framework rather than a prescriptive one. And let me tell you why. Viewing the stages of grief as a descriptive framework allows for a more personalized understanding, recognizing that each individual's experience is unique. Your experience is unique to you. For instance, when five people lose the same individual, their reactions can vary widely. This variation is influenced by factors such as the closeness of their relationship with the deceased, their personality traits, the circumstances surrounding the death, cultural backgrounds, and more.. Considering the five stages of grief as a descriptive approach rather than a prescriptive one allows you to honor your unique grieving process. This perspective offers you the flexibility and grace to not hold yourself to a specific standard or stage of how your pain and process “should” look. Doing so can invalidate your personal experience and hinder your ability to process your sorrow in an authentic way. Inauthenticity can delay your ability to process grief, which can hinder your learning, adaptation, and growth following your experience of loss. You know, Dr. Kübler-Ross did some truly groundbreaking work back in 1969 when she introduced the five stages of grief. It's fascinating how her research has shaped our understanding of grief and loss in psychology. What's really interesting is that her initial focus was on individuals dealing with terminal illness, but her insights have been invaluable for many who have lost a loved one. While it’s important to view the five stages of grief more as a descriptive framework rather than a strict guideline for processing your grief, these stages offer valuable insight into the complex emotions and behaviors that can arise during the grieving process. It is completely normal to experience a mix of these emotions at different points in your personal journey of loss, and acknowledging this is crucial. In fact, many bereavement counselors utilize the 5 stages model to assist individuals in navigating the profound pain of loss. This compassionate approach recognizes how challenging it can be to cope with such deep sorrow. A 2021 study by Peña-Vargas highlights that Dr. Kübler-Ross’s model has been widely adopted worldwide for the treatment and study of bereavement, underscoring its significance in supporting those affected by loss. What’s particularly interesting is a 2021 study by Avis, which highlighted that Dr. Kübler-Ross, in a later collaboration with David Kessler, supported the idea that grief is fluid. This means that the stages of grief are not fixed points on a linear timeline, and there is no specific sequence that everyone follows while coping with grief. Some individuals may experience denial first, while others might jump straight into anger, or they may find themselves fluctuating between these emotions. So, it’s important to remember that everyone grieves differently. It’s not like there's a one-size-fits-all approach. Understanding this can really help you be more compassionate towards yourself and your process, and others who are navigating their own paths through grief. Now that we've established that the five stages of grief are not a prescriptive framework but rather a descriptive approach, it's important to recognize that these stages are not experienced in a linear fashion. Each person may go through them in a different order after the death of a loved one. Let’s briefly overview each stage to help you understand what they may look like. The first stage we will explore is called Denial. In this stage, a person may experience shock and disbelief about the loss. They might instinctively avoid confronting the situation and suppress their feelings related to it. Denial acts as a protective mechanism, helping individuals cope with overwhelming emotions. It serves as a buffer, allowing them to gradually come to terms with the reality of the loss. Next, we have Anger: Which the theory indicates that once the denial starts to fade, then you may feel intense anger, which can be directed toward yourself, others, or even the deceased. This anger can arise from feelings of helplessness and frustration. It’s important to express this anger in healthy ways and understand that it’s a natural response to grief. So spoiler alert, we will cover healthy ways of grieving in our next episode. So let’s cover the next stage which, Bargaining**: In this stage, you may try to regain control by negotiating with your higher power or even yourself. You might think, “If only I had done this differently...” or express a desire to change past events in hopes of reversing the loss. This stage often reflects a longing for present or future comfort and can manifest as guilt or remorse. Next stage is known as Depression**: As reality sets in, feelings of deep sadness and despair may arise. This stage involves mourning the loss and can include a period of withdrawal from life and social interactions. It’s a vital step in processing grief, because it allows you to confront your emotions and begin the adaptation process of living life without your loved one being physically present. I strongly advocate for seeking care from a licensed professional, as this process can be quite intense and requires guidance and support. And five- is the Acceptance - The final stage involves coming to terms with the reality of the loss. Acceptance doesn’t mean that you are "okay" that your special person died, but rather that you can get to a point where you can acknowledge the reality of what has happened, and start to find ways to live life with the loss. And I want to take a moment to acknowledge this, because it can be very difficult to come to terms with this, I know it took me years to accept that Alex, my late husband, was not going to come in through our front door again. However, acknowledging the loss can be beneficial with time, and can help lead to the ability to move forward in life while cherishing the memories of what has been lost. Dr. Kübler-Ross introduced her groundbreaking stages of grief in her seminal book, **"On Death and Dying,"** published in 1969. This influential work delves into the emotional experiences of terminally ill patients, offering profound insights into the processes of dying. Since then, her framework has been extensively referenced in psychology and grief counseling, serving as a foundational tool for understanding loss. However, it's important to remember that each individual experiences grief in their own way, making every journey through this complex emotion uniquely personal. I want to share a moving story about a woman we will call her Emily. And After losing her father unexpectedly, Emily felt as though her world had been shattered. At first, she attempted to push through her grief by staying busy with work and avoiding her feelings, which many of us are guilty of doing, but internally she was struggling. And one day, while cleaning out her father’s attic, she discovered a collection of letters he had written throughout his life. As she read them, she experienced a flood of memories and emotions, feeling as if her father was reaching out to her from the past, sharing his thoughts, dreams, and even wisdom. This profound experience broke down the barriers of Emily's denial and suppression regarding her father's loss. Although she experienced a range of emotions, it allowed her to confront something she had intentionally avoided. This struggle is something many of us can relate to, as we often try to escape those intense feelings of sorrow. Just like Emily, I, too, was afraid of confronting those emotions. This pivotal moment of realization allowed Emily to recognize that she could not do it alone. No matter how busy she kept herself, grief was always waiting for her, often rearing its head when she least expected it. She decided to seek therapy, and a significant part of her journey was initiating a weekly ritual of writing letters to her father. In these letters, she updated him on her life, sought guidance, and expressed her emotions through this writing ritual. This practice became a beautiful way for her to maintain a connection with her dad while navigating her grief. I think it’s a beautiful story because it illustrates how the very thing she was avoiding, as so many of us are guilty of, ultimately became the thing that helped her through this process and still feel connected to her father. And I know not everyone likes to write out their feelings, so for this week I encourage you to look into what is your one thing that can help you release your emotions in a safe space that makes sense for you. There is a saying that goes, if you don’t deal with your grief, your grief will deal with you. And I do have some research behind this, but I will share this in another episode. So as we come to the end of our episode let’s recap on what we covered today. **One:** The five stages of grief provide a framework to help you understand your emotions after losing a loved one, rather than acting as a strict guideline. **Two:** Acknowledging your feelings can help you navigate your emotions without judgment. Journaling or talking with a trusted friend can be beneficial in this process. **Three:** I encourage you to identify any emotions you may be struggling with and to find a positive outlet for them in a safe and meaningful way. For example, you might consider joining a support group with others who have experienced similar losses, writing letters to yourself or to your deceased loved one, or, if it feels too difficult to manage alone, reaching out to a friend, counseling service, or someone you trust to help lighten the emotional load of grief you carry in your heart. I hope that by gaining a deeper understanding of the five stages of grief—along with their complexities and the importance of acknowledging your feelings—you can start to view grief as a landscape filled with a variety of emotions, rather than just a simple checklist to follow. This shift in perspective allows us to honor your individual journey and nurture your unique process of learning and adapting, which can lead to growth after loss. Thank you once again for being here, for listening, and for allowing me to accompany you on your journey of growth after loss. If today's episode resonated with you, please consider sharing it with someone who might find comfort in these words. Also, don't forget to like this podcast and subscribe. Remember, your loss matters, your grief matters, and you matter too. You are important, and you deserve a life that is still worth living. Until next time, take care of yourself.
Disclaimer: This podcast is educational in nature and not a substitute for therapy. If you are seeking additional support, connecting with a licensed mental health professional may be helpful.