Dr. Mari: Is there a right way to grieve a loved one? This question resonates with many of us, whether we've experienced a profound loss ourselves or witnessed someone we care about navigating their own grief...
Is there a right way to grieve a loved one? This question resonates with many of us, whether we've experienced a profound loss ourselves or witnessed someone we care about navigating their own grief. Losing someone you love can be such a whirlwind of feelings, right? It often feels like being caught in a storm—one minute you’re overwhelmed by waves of sadness, and the next, you’re hit with a wave of anger or frustration. And then you might have this odd feeling of needing to step up and take on some of their responsibilities or feel like you need to honor the person who died in one. It’s important to realize that grief is not a straight path or that “we should” act or mourn our loved ones in a particular way. Grief and mourning the loss of a loved one is more a complex, winding journey that varies for each individual. You know, it’s really important to remember that grief isn’t a simple path. There’s no one way to mourn our loved ones, right? It’s more like a complex journey that looks different for everyone. We all have our unique ways of dealing with loss. So today, I thought it would be interesting to talk about two remarkable figures who have each navigated grief in their own ways: Candace Owens, the bold political commentator, and Erika Kirk, the CEO of Turning Point USA and the widow of Charlie Kirk. Their stories really highlight how varied grief can be and remind us that there’s no “right” way to go through it. Sometimes we hold onto misconceptions about how we should grieve, which can make us feel so isolated in our pain. But at the end of the day, everyone’s journey is personal, woven together from their own experiences and relationships. Have you ever thought about what really influences how we grieve? Imagine losing a close friend or family member unexpectedly. That sudden shock can leave you in a daze, struggling to grasp the reality of it all, making it tough to function. But then, think about someone else mourning that same person. Even if the shock hits them just as hard, their response might be completely different. While you might find it hard to get out of bed, they could be focused on planning a memorial or doing something meaningful to honor that loved one. Sometimes, they might even push their own feelings aside, prioritizing what others need—especially if there are young children involved. It’s a delicate, confusing balance. What’s truly fascinating is the rollercoaster of emotions during this time. One minute, they might feel utterly devastated, and the next, they could be smiling at a cherished memory. It highlights how complex grieving really is. Our relationship with the deceased, the circumstances surrounding their passing, and even our own personality traits all play a role in how we process these heavy emotions. As we think about how different people cope with loss, I encourage you to reflect on your own experiences with grief and to consider those of your friends and family. It can be so powerful to share these stories. Just like we’re doing on this podcast today reflecting on the experiences of Candace Owens and Erika Kirk, both of whom have lost someone they deeply loved—a cherished friend and a husband. And who both are grieving in their own unique ways. It’s important to recognize that we all navigate grief in our own unique ways. Just because you experience grief in one manner doesn't mean that others should feel or act the same and we will talk more about why that may be. In this episode, we’ll explore the question, "Why don’t we all grieve the same?" And my goal is to help you gain a deeper understanding of your own grief and cultivate more compassion for yourself and for others navigating the journey of a significant loss. So lets's dive in! I want to welcome you back to another episode of the Growth After Loss Podcast. I’m Dr. Mari Marquez, a personal growth educator focused on navigating grief. In this episode, I want to shed light on why we don’t all grieve in the same way. Recently, there has been a significant discussion in the media surrounding the contrasting views of Candace Owens, a friend of Charlie Kirk, and Erika Kirk, Charlie's widow. As many of you know, Charlie Kirk was one of the founders and the CEO of Turning Point USA. Tragically, he was assassinated last September while giving a speech at Utah Valley University. The other day, I was watching one of Candace Owens' shows, where she, as an American political commentator, discussed various significant topics like the BLM movement and, lately, the recent events surrounding Charlie Kirk's death. During a couple of her shows, she compared her grief to that of Erika Kirk, which I found particularly interesting. Now, I want to play a clip from her show to provide more context on how she talks about her grief in comparison to Erika Kirk's experience, from Candace's point of view. Here is the clip for you. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A39g5oqB_eM 6:11-6:59- Pause video Let's recap what Candace expressed. She mentioned that Erika gave an in-person interview with The New York Times just eight days after the assassination of her husband. Candace then explained that she had to leave for Wyoming because she was in a cloud of grief and that she needed time to process the reality of what had happened. Candace realized she hadn't fully grasped that Erika had done an in-person interview so soon after her husband's death. I bring this up because Candace is comparing her own grief to Erika's situation. While Candace needed time to process her emotions, Erika was actively participating in interviews just eight days after Charlie Kirk's death. So, I want to ask: What are your thoughts on this? Is one way of processing grief more valid than the other? Is Candace being insensitive by highlighting Erika's actions? Why is Erika not grieving in the same way Candace is? Let me pose a specific question before we dive deeper into this topic: Does it truly matter how Erika and Candance are mourning their losses? At the core of it, both women have experienced the profound pain of losing someone they love. Grief is a deeply personal experience, and ranking how one person grieves against another serves no purpose; it certainly doesn’t bring back the deceased. In fact, such comparisons can complicate our own journey through loss, and here’s why this is crucial to understand. It’s necessary to engage in a conversation about how society often imposes expectations on ourselves and others regarding appropriate behavior and emotional responses after a loss. This tendency is known as "grief policing." It can manifest in various ways, such as suggesting someone should "move on" or implying that they should "behave in a particular way". Such attitudes do a disservice not only to the individual grappling with their grief but also to those around them who may be experiencing their own pain in different ways. Grieving is not a one-size-fits-all process; what works for one person may not work for another. Ultimately, comparing grief can cause more harm than good; it does nothing to change the reality that our loved ones are no longer with us. While I firmly believe that witnessing how others navigate their grief can provide healthy motivation and insight, this becomes detrimental when we fall into the trap of making harmful comparisons. Instead of supporting one another, we risk creating feelings of inadequacy and guilt over our own emotional responses. I am genuinely grateful that you are here with me today to discuss this important and sensitive topic, as it is something I am extremely passionate about. My own experiences have shown me how damaging shame in grief can be. I have been judged and shamed by people I once trusted and admired during my difficult times, which only added another layer of complexity to the already overwhelming pain I was experiencing. It is vital that we create a safe space for all types of grief and have conversations about these topics, because they can help us navigate grief without fear of judgment or comparison. Losing someone significant can lead us into a whirlwind of emotions. We may respond by feeling unable to function, or we might overcompensate by focusing intensely on tasks, sometimes even overworking ourselves to manage everything, and at times, avoid our emotional processing. So, let's look at what the science and research on grief say about why we may grieve differently. Let's start with the definition of grief from the American Psychological Association, a leading scientific and professional organization representing psychology in the United States, with more than 190,000 researchers, educators, clinicians, consultants, and students as its members. APA defines grief as: the anguish experienced after a significant loss, usually the death of a beloved person. Grief is often distinguished from bereavement (the condition of having lost a loved one to death.) and mourning (is how you express your grief). Not all bereavements result in a strong grief response, and not all grief is given public expression. Individual grief and mourning responses vary. So this is important to note because the American Psychological Association emphasizes that everyone experiences grief differently; some people may not show their grief publicly or might not have a strong emotional response even after a significant loss. Overall, it highlights the complexity and individuality of how people cope with loss. Mary-Frances O'Connor is an associate professor of clinical psychology and psychiatry at the University of Arizona, and the director of clinical training. Her research focuses on the physiological correlates of emotion, in particular the wide range of physical and emotional responses during bereavement, including yearning and isolation. According to Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor, various factors contribute to the differences in grieving experiences among individuals. She emphasizes that personal resilience plays a significant role; some people can adapt more quickly to loss, while others may struggle due to past trauma or existing mental health issues. The nature of the relationship with the deceased is also critical, as the intensity of grief often correlates with the closeness of that bond—losing a spouse or child can provoke a more profound emotional response than losing a distant relative. Additionally, Dr. O'Connor points out that cultural background, social support networks, and personal beliefs about death influence how individuals process grief. This complexity means that each person's unique circumstances and life experiences shape their grieving process, leading to varied responses and timelines for adapting. In 1969, psychiatrist Dr. Elisabeth Kübler-Ross introduced the five stages of grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. While these stages are widely recognized internationally, it's important to note that not everyone experiences all of them, and they may not occur in a specific order. Each of us may navigate these stages differently or revisit them multiple times throughout our process. Now, I created an episode that describes these 5 stages in more detail, so I encourage you to watch or listen to that episode and decide for yourself whether these 5 stages should be viewed from a descriptive or prescriptive perspective. A 2021 study in Frontiers in Psychology highlighted that, in a later collaboration with grief expert David Kessler, Dr. Kübler-Ross supported the idea that grief is fluid, meaning the stages of grief are not fixed on a linear timeline or path. In fact, studies have shown that cultural, social, and personal factors, including our own personality, significantly influence how we cope with loss. For instance, a 2016 study in Sage Journals found that personality factors have a stronger influence on coping styles; thus, personality plays an influential role in how individuals cope with stressors, especially a stressor such as the death of a loved one. If you’re feeling confused about how to start processing your emotions after the loss of a loved one and are looking for strategies that resonate with your personality, I invite you to check out my emotional processing workshop. You can participate from the comfort of your home and at your own pace. This workshop provides strategies for emotional processing and adaptation after a loss that align with your unique personality. It includes a comprehensive workbook filled with research-based techniques for emotional processing and regulation. You can find the link on the screen and in the show notes. Now that we have a better understanding of why people cope differently after the loss of a loved one, it’s important to recognize the various factors that influence our grieving process. This includes personal relationships with the deceased, cultural background, previous mental health issues, trauma, the manner and type of death, and the support we receive—or lack thereof. Our individual personalities also play a significant role in how we grieve. It’s crucial to remember that there is no right or wrong way to grieve. You should not feel obligated to act a certain way simply because others are doing so. At the end of the day, no matter how deeply we empathize or sympathize with someone else’s loss, we cannot fully comprehend the intricacies of their pain or the unique bond they had with their loved one. Whether you resonate more with Candace's or Erika's experience, it’s essential to acknowledge that your grief and processing are uniquely your own. Understanding this distinction can be a vital step in learning to navigate life after loss. It can help us show more compassion for ourselves and others, and hopefully less judgment to those who are deeply affected by the death of someone they love. To anyone listening who is navigating your own unique journey of grief, remember that reaching out for support can be incredibly beneficial. Whether it’s talking to friends, joining support groups, or seeking professional help, you don’t have to go through this alone. Remember this is your journey, your path, and the way you grieve, whether actively going into action mode to honor and remember your loved one, or sitting and crying about the situation, at the end of the day, remember to give yourself grace because you are learning to live this life in this world without your loved one being here with you. Now before we conclude today’s episode, I’d like to ask you for a favor: please subscribe to our channel so more people can find us. And again, if you’re interested in exploring strategies for emotional processing and adaptation based on your personality, check out my new emotional processing workshop. It’s an interactive experience that engages you in activities designed to support your adaptation process. Thank you for joining me today on the Growth After Loss Podcast. I hope this episode has provided you with comfort and insight as we navigate the complexities of Why don’t we all grieve the same. Remember, your grief matters, your loss matters, and you matter too. Until next time, take care of yourself my friend.
Disclaimer: This podcast is educational in nature and not a substitute for therapy. If you are seeking additional support, connecting with a licensed mental health professional may be helpful.