Dr. Mari: Itâs 1:47 a.m. in the Catalina Foothills of Tucson, Arizona. The date is February 1, 2026. A doorbell camera captures a masked figure outside the home of 84-year-old Nancy Guthrie. Within minutes, the camera is disconnected. By 2:28 a.m., the app monitoring Nancyâs pacemaker loses its signal. When she doesnât show up for her Sunday morning church livestream, the community knows something is wrong. For weeks, the headlines have been relentless: "Ransom notes demanding Bitcoin." "A $1 million reward." "Evidence of a struggle on the porch." Weâve seen Savannah Guthrieâa face we usually trust to give us the newsâstanding before cameras with a trembling voice, pleading for the return of the woman who raised her. Savannah isn't hiding behind a mask of "being okay." She is visceral and honest, sharing that she is "blowing on the embers of hope," even when the wind feels like itâs trying to put them out. But hope is a heavy thing to carry. Whether we are waiting for news like Savannah, or weâve already said our final goodbyes, loss leaves us with a weight that can feel impossible to move. Welcome back to another episode of the growth after loss podcast, im dr. mari marquez a personal growth educator after loss. And Today, weâre talking about that silent weight we carry of being âfineâ after our lives have been impacted by something unfathomable. While Savannah is bravely showing us what it looks like to sit in the fire of the unknown, many of us respond to loss by doing the exact opposite. We fall into the "Iâm Fine" Trap. We build a wall, we busy ourselves with work, and we distract our minds because the truth of the pain feels too big to hold. Today, weâre exploring the very challenging struggle of that instinct to hide behind the âim fine trap. We're going to dive into why "powering through" and not processing your pain can actually cost you your health, and howâby following the lead of those who refuse to stay silentâwe can finally learn to stop avoiding the pain and start truly adapting to life in a way that is feel authentic to you and to what you have been through. In my own research study on personal growth after loss, Iâve interviewed participants who reached a turning point. Many of them shared a similar epiphany: the moment they finally decided to do something about their grief was when they reached a point of absolute exhaustion. They were simply tired of feeling such intense, unrelenting pain. And for me, it almost cost me my own life, trying to put a brave face, while I was drowning in my own internal struggle. But here is my heart for you today: I donât want you to wait until you are that depleted or get to a point where I got to, to start supporting yourself, to learn how to live life after loss. This process is the adaptation process of your experience. And my hope with you listening or watching this today, is that You don't have to hit rock bottom to start looking at doing something about your situation. Now I want to transition and look at The Biological Cost: What Happens When We Suppress our grief? But before we proceeed I want to ask you for a small favor and hit that subscribe button, so more people who have lost a loved one can find this channel and hopefully be a beacon of support for them. And thank you for that. Now, We often as a society we treat grief likes itâs a mental "choice," but the science shows that when we suppress it, our bodies pay the price. And here is why, Research in psycho neuro immunology (which is the study of interactions between behavior, neural and endocrine function, and immune processes) research in this field suggests that chronic emotional suppression keeps the body in a state of "autonomic arousal"âessentially a permanent "fight or flight" mode. When you shove your grief down, your body stays flooded with cortisol. Over time, this leads to: ⢠Cognitive Decline: Research published in Psychological Science shows that the effort required to suppress emotions taxes the prefrontal cortex, leading to "grief brain"âmemory gaps, poor focus, and an inability to regulate simple frustrations. ⢠Physical Inflammation: Studies from the HeartMath Institute and others show that suppressed emotional distress can lead to increased pro-inflammatory citakines, which weaken your immune system and put a strain on your cardiovascular health. ⢠The "Rebound Effect": A famous study by Daniel Wegner found that the more we try to suppress a thought, the more hyper-accessible it becomes. By trying not to think about your loss, you actually ensure your brain stays focused with it. So You might think, "I'll deal with it when I'm stronger," but the research argues for Early Integration. This doesn't mean "getting over it" faster; it means helping your brain map the new reality of your life. Dr. Mary-Frances O'Connor from the University of Arizonaâright where the Guthrie family is facing their crisisâexplains that the brain has to physically rewire itself to understand that a loved one is gone. If we avoid the pain, we stall that rewiring. And this update of our mechanical system can be help through engagement in new experiences and time. Research on Post-Traumatic Growth (PTG) shows that "deliberate rumination"âmeaning active, intentional processingâis a predictor of positive adaptation. A study by Bonanno et al. on grief trajectories found that individuals who engage in "early emotional disclosure" (talking or writing about the loss) showed significantly lower levels of long-term depression compared to those who used "repressive coping." By integrating the loss early, you aren't just "feeling better"âyou are literally building a more resilient brain. So letâs look at some supportive mechanisms that can help you along the way. Because letâs be real here, We donât "move on, after a loss, We learn ways to live forward while carrying our loved ones with us. And this process adaptation process takes time and in my research intentionality. And I have another episode you have reference which is called the âthe power of a three letter wordâ. So check that out. But If you want to avoid that point of total exhaustion, start with these three simple steps ⢠1. Reflective Journaling: Set a timer for 2 to 5 minutes. Don't worry about the "vocabulary." Just let the pain out. But here is the key from my research: follow it with an activity that brings you peace. This teaches your brain that you can visit the pain without becoming a permanent resident of it. And if I wrote about this in one of my latests newsletters, so make sure to subscribe because I got more in detail on this adaptation strategies. ⢠2. Mindfulness and the 4-7-8 Breath: This isn't just "breathing"âitâs a neurological hack. Inhaling for 4, holding for 7, and exhaling for 8 stimulates the vagus nerve, telling your body it is safe to downregulate from that "fight or flight" state. I even use this practice when I am at the dentist, believe or not or during getting an mri. ⢠3. Engage in Conversations: Don't wait until you're too tired to speak. Reach out to a support group or a therapist. Sharing your feelings honors your grief and prevents it from turning into that "bubble of unresolved pain" that eventually catches us off guard. Host: Breaking the cycle of "toughening up" is the hardest work you will ever do, but it is an avenue to find authentic growth. You have the capacity to adapt and find your way back to a life of meaning while honoring your experience and those who you have lost in the process.. If youâre ready to explore these feelings in a way that aligns with your personality, please check out my Free Emotional Regulation Resource or sign up for my Emotional Processing Workshop. We use science-backed techniques to help you regulate your emotions so you don't have to carry that weight alone. Check out my Resource Page below for the links. And finally, please subscribe to this channel. It helps us reach more people who are currently "busying their minds" to avoid their hearts. If you have information about the disappearance of Nancy Guthrie, please call 1-800-CALL-FBI (1-800-225-5324). Nancy's family is waiting at the moment of this episode. Please do your part to support them. Remember that your loss matters, you matter and Don't wait for the exhaustion. Start your integration today. Iâll see you in the next episode.
Disclaimer: This podcast is educational in nature and not a substitute for therapy. If you are seeking additional support, connecting with a licensed mental health professional may be helpful. If you have information regarding Nancy Guthrie, please call 1-800-CALL-FBI.