Dr. Mari: In our last conversation, we explored the idea that while a physical life ends, the love we carry does not. But for many of you, that realization comes with a sense of uncertainty. You might wonder, 'Is it okay to still talk to them?' or 'Am I holding on too tightly?' an involuntary, passive defensive response to a perceived threatening or overwhelming event, characterized by temporary immobility, reduced body movement, and high muscle tone. If you’ve felt this, I want you to take a deep breath and hear this: Your heart is not broken for staying connected; it is learning to carry a new kind of presence. Today, we are going to look at the ‘When and Where’ of Adaptive Bonds—the intentional, healthy ways we integrate our loved ones into our lives so not learn to move on from our loss, but learn to carry through a process of integration our loss. In my research and in my work with participants, I often see a fear that staying connected is somehow 'backwards' progress. But the 'Continuing Bonds' theory shows us that integration can serve as an engine for growth. Welcome to another episode of the growth after loss podcast, I’m Dr. Mari Marquez, a personal growth educator after loss. And before we begin, I want to remind you to please subscribe to our podcast so more people can find us. Also remember that the information on this podcast is for educational purposes, it is not meant to substitute licensed mental health support, diagnose, or treat a diagnosis. In part 1 of this three-part serios of continuing bonds, we talked about what they are and what the research says about them. So, if you haven’t listened to that episode, make sure you do so. Now, In my research and in my work with participants, I often see a fear that staying connected with a deceased loved one is somehow 'backwards' progress. But the 'Continuing Bonds' theory shows us that integration can serve as an engine of growth. We aren't moving on from our loss; we are moving with it. We are weaving the love that we have for our loved one, into the fabric of the person we are becoming." It is a healthy way for integration. So let’s talk about adaptive bonds: Adaptive Continuing Bonds represent a healthy way of grieving where you don't "move on" by cutting ties, but rather "move forward" by evolving your relationship with the person you lost. Instead of a physical presence, the bond becomes a symbolic, internal connection—like a "secure base" in your mind that offers comfort and strength during hard times. This approach is considered adaptive because it helps you make meaning out of the loss and integrate their values into your own life story. Ultimately, it’s about finding a healthy balance: keeping the love and lessons of the deceased close while still fully engaging with your life and the world around you. From a research perspective, engaging in a bond is most 'adaptive' when it serves as a source of strength. There are specific windows of time when our hearts naturally reach out. First, we have Anticipatory Windows. These are the days or weeks leading up to a birthday or anniversary. Your brain actually begins 'scanning' for that person's presence as the date approaches. If we wait until the actual day to acknowledge them, our nervous system can feel flooded. Instead, try a small ritual during this window—the week before. It’s like giving your heart a head start. Second, we have Resource Windows. These are the moments when life gets hard—a stressful day or a sudden change. We naturally look for our 'secure base.' If that person was your rock, it is healthy to 'access' their support internally. Ask yourself: If they were sitting across from you during your most stressful hour this week, what is the first word they would have said to calm you? Just sitting with that word for a minute helps you regulate your emotions in the present. Third, there are Joy-Trigger Windows. Sometimes we feel the sting of grief most sharply when something good happens. Maybe you got a promotion or your child hit a milestone. Instead of letting the silence hurt, create a 'Success Share' moment. Sit quietly and say, 'I know you’d be the first person I’d call, so I’m calling on your memory now.' This turns a moment of absence into a moment of shared legacy." "One of our community members recently shared that they were just beginning to look for the 'how-to' in this journey. They described grief as a wilderness without a map. I hear you. And because I want you to have tangible tools to hold onto, I’ve spent the last several months pouring these research-grounded methods into a project for this community. On May 1st, my new 90-day workbook, Gentle Steps for Growing Around Grief, will be officially released on Amazon. It is a guide to start tending your heart, protecting your energy, and it gives you gentle steps backed by research to help to begin learning to integrate your loss into your life. It focuses on the person behind the loss, and that is you, my friend. If you’ve felt lost in the 'how-to,' this was created to be your companion. You can get it on May 1 on Amazon I’ll have that information linked in the show notes. Thank you for being so open with your hearts as I’ve built this for us." "The 'Where' is about creating a container. If we feel our grief everywhere, it can become overwhelming this is part of emotional. By choosing specific spaces, we give ourselves permission to connect and—equally important—permission to step away. Internal Spaces are your portable sanctuaries. This is the 'quiet dialogue' you have while driving or the way you imagine their reaction to a joke. It’s a mental room you can visit and then leave when it's time to focus on your day. External Anchors are the physical bridges. This could be a 'memory chair,' a specific garden, or a 'legacy item' like a piece of jewelry. But 'where' can also be digital. Many of us find our phone’s camera roll to be a minefield. Consider creating a Digital Sanctuary—a specific folder on your phone or a private Pinterest board. Instead of stumbling across photos when you aren't ready, you only go to that folder when you have the emotional energy to 'visit.' This gives you Agency over your grief. The key is that the 'Where' should feel like a sanctuary, not a prison. If a location—like a cemetery or a specific room—feels like it’s pulling you into a 'freeze' state where you can't breathe, it’s okay to choose a different 'where' for a while. The bond should empower you, not trap you." "Let’s look at how this helps us move forward. Imagine you have a major decision to make. An Adaptive Bond looks like sitting quietly and asking, 'What values did they teach me that apply here?' If they valued courage, you use that internalized advice to take the leap. Their love becomes the wind at your back. A Maladaptive Bond is when we feel paralyzed because we are waiting for a literal 'sign' from the clouds to tell us what to do. The goal is to move toward that empowered state where you realize their values are now your values. You aren't leaving them behind; you are carrying their wisdom into your new chapter." Let me just remind you that" You are doing the brave work of re-learning your world. Remember, there is no 'right' way to do this, only your way. You are the expert of you’re your experience. As you move into the rest of your week, pick just one 'where'—one physical or internal spot that is your designated sanctuary. Give yourself permission to go there when you need to, and give yourself permission to step back out into the world when you’re ready. In Part 3, we’ll move even deeper into the specific rituals and tools you can use. If this helped you feel a little less alone today, please share it with someone else navigating their own 'When and Where.' I’ll see you in Part 3.